luckyshirt:

Dear guy who just made my burrito:

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients from one end to the other, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM TO GET TO LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans cannot usually dislocate their jaws to accommodate such methods. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito and not a multi-stage rocket to the planet Fucking Disgustingupiter.

And guess what else, player? You can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer this nonsense. You and I already know this tortilla was made to maintain its physical integrity for thirty seconds once touched. 

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

(via addbutter)

  1. kaijuwecan reblogged this from mikasarin
  2. meldesu reblogged this from opals-and-oceans
  3. thechibirascal reblogged this from kikukirkland
  4. anothermadcheshire reblogged this from kikukirkland
  5. canadianvillafuerte reblogged this from mikasarin
  6. c-chanfromda reblogged this from mikasarin
  7. the-sassy-satan reblogged this from kikukirkland
  8. opals-and-oceans reblogged this from mikasarin
  9. kikukirkland reblogged this from mikasarin
  10. mikasarin reblogged this from marshmallowliquidpride
  11. marshmallowliquidpride reblogged this from cookingpeach
  12. ferrynater reblogged this from ginganinja48
  13. ginganinja48 reblogged this from leandraholmes
  14. letsbechattykathy reblogged this from tealgeezus
  15. skeletonwhale reblogged this from elanorpam
  16. chachitak1 reblogged this from leandraholmes
  17. priceforrottenjudgement reblogged this from endorwitch
  18. endorwitch reblogged this from leandraholmes
  19. shinanigirlizer reblogged this from leandraholmes
  20. leandraholmes reblogged this from dustandeloquence
  21. roxas13ven25 reblogged this from nijuukoo
  22. eireamhoine reblogged this from toxictoyoursanity
  23. peggyrizzo reblogged this from freyamaat
  24. ticklemybalz reblogged this from fallenangel717
  25. toxictoyoursanity reblogged this from calonari
  26. sarahabein reblogged this from luckyshirt and added:
    I saw the following photo and immediately thought of the Worst Burrito post: (x)
  27. just-humdinger reblogged this from freyamaat
  28. freyamaat reblogged this from calonari
  29. calonari reblogged this from kingjaffejoffer
  30. coffea-tea reblogged this from deejayjaydee
  31. fallenangel717 reblogged this from fallenangel717
  32. flowersfor-mybrain reblogged this from morganandthings
  33. morganandthings reblogged this from kingjaffejoffer and added:
    Bringing this back cus it’s a gift
  34. fadingintotheforeground reblogged this from whoatherepickle